Tales from an online dater

Life

Back in February I came clean about my online dating secret. The dirty little secret that’s becoming more and more acceptable these days.

Yes, I’m still online dating. Sadly, I’ve sunk back to one particular site which hasn’t given me much luck (so god knows why I’m back there), but it has given me a fair amount of amusement. I just wanted to share some of the funniest first messages I’ve got from some guys off of that site.

(Am I being an incredibly mean by making fun of these guys? Probably. But they’re just so damn funny. I mean really, do they think these are good words to open with?! Guys – they are not!)

The flatterer

‘She turned my head not once, but twice…’
Those lines from an old Irish poem flashed through my mind as I looked at your pictures. Tell you what? If I met you on the street, I’d definitely stop to do a double take (yes, you are that beautiful)! I would consider it a privilege to get to know you. May I make your acquaintance please?

Am I too cynical to believe it? Probably. But honestly, it’s just so bloody cheesy!

The Interrogater

Are you girlfriend material? I am not so sure…
Get back to me…I have some questions.

You have some questions? Get back to you? Wow… demanding much!

The Over Enthusiasts

hi
i like to meet you
i live near to you
if you wann meet me
reply

Woah, woah woah! Hold on there, you want to meet me? Yeah, you’re a little over eager for me.

The Novelist

Babes, you need to break this down to me in plain, layman’s english so I understand lucidly – why in my mother’s name are you even here on this site?!! I dont get it!! is it that you never go out from your house?!! because if you did, you wouldn’t be here, trust me. The only logical explaination must be that every man you’ve ever been around(excluding your father and brothers) must be suffering from serious visual impairment..Because if they saw a fraction of what I’m seeing on your profile- lets just say you’d never had needed to ever sign up on this site, ever!! dating sites for mortal not for divine creation like you! except you just trying to torment us men here by pretending to be available only for you to dash our elevated hopes..and you know that would be beyond mean babes! But, i dont sense no meanness in you..so it must mean you have walked amongst blind men most of your life without knowing it..you going to make spec savers loads of money soon.. trust me!

Firstly, you start off with Babes, that is never a good sign. Then you run on and on. I’m not sure if I should be slightly offended by what you’re saying either.

The Weirdo

\\run away with me……

What kind of person opens with that sort of sentence. Or string of words.

The Teacher

I don’t know why do they classify Indian as Asian in this country ..India is quiet a big and has its own identity ..

Thanks for that little fact. India is quite big and I’m very sure it does have its own identity. Regardless, why do you feel the need to tell me this in an opening message to me?

To be fair…

Ok, I know. It’s hard trying to figure out what exactly to say in a first message to a total stranger. But surely common sense would tell you not to even think about writing anything like this. Yes? Still, they offer me some amusement. And I could do with some of that.

(I know. I am a terrible person. I’m going to hell.)

39 thoughts on “Tales from an online dater

  1. I feel a sudden urge to go find some of my messages to share here!

    Mostly it irritates me when people can’t spell because I have on my profile “don’t contact me if you don’t have a good command of spelling and grammar”. Mean, perhaps, but necessary! And also pointless since everyone is apparently blind to those words.

    1. I think this one is my favourite of the recent messages I’ve had:

      “Hi hw r u I hope u should be ok and one more thing that i wana say is that I like ur pics looking to good”

      Oh wait – also this one: “hi its nice to meet a nuther fierfly fan have you herd that they were planing to do a nuther seeres of it ather how well serenaty did ?”

      I replied and told him no, there won’t be any more, and goodbye.

      I’ll see you in hell.

      1. The spelling and grammar is just horrendous! That’s definitely the first test for me. If they can use full words and complete sentences, +1. Just one +1 mind.

        Those are just awful. Do they even read what they’ve written before sending!?

        Whoever gets to hell first, save the other a decent spot by the pool! (of lava)

  2. Wow Jaina sounds to me like these guys have potential. Love your titles for them. The Interrogator sounds like a dream come true. Love it how flattering he is. ‘Are you girlfriend material… I am not so sure’ LOL what a douchebag! I can just picture you sitting at your computer and getting that message and going ‘bloody hell I need to get back to this guy QUICK with answers to his questions otherwise he’ll get snapped up before I can blink!’ Perhaps he has an application form. I imagine he has to wade through all the countless numbers of women who are similarly desperate to answer his questions! I’m starting to sound like the novelist now sorry!

    1. Hahaha! Yeah, there are some real gems out there!

      If he sent me an application form, I’d scribble all over it, much like a child would with a crayon.

  3. Wow they sound like real KEEPERS Jaina!! Especially the one with the brilliant spelling and grammar!!

    I thought the Interrogator was pretty convincing…. Although I was a little scared

    1. Man… that site is overflowing with keepers. Forgot diamonds in the rough, they’re all diamonds!

      You should be scared. He’s got demanding questions for everyone I bet!

      “Scott, are you a nice person…. I’m not sure. I have questions.”

  4. Thanks for a very entertaining read Jaina 🙂

    My favourite is the Novelist! Are you sure you don’t want to grab him quickly? One day he’ll win the Pulitzer prize and you’ll be kicking yourself!

  5. Hilarious post! I think you are being too hard on “The Over Enthusiast” as he is clearly a poet, and you aren’t giving him credit for that. 😉

  6. Well, if nothing else, your forays into online dating provide us with some hilarious posts! I agree with the others, the Interrogator. A man of few words, but maybe a lot more depth than you give him credit for.

  7. Well, I just about died laughing. TOO funny, Jaina! Yeah, it seems the quality of guys messaging you is, well . . . hmm . . . not so high?

    I love how you sectioned each off with a title. The novelist is quite flattering to you too. Lol, I’m still laughing. Thanks for posting this! I love how open you are about it.

    1. They do have a certain “quality” … quality of being a bit mad! Or probably the kinder word would be, unique.

      I’m still a little bit shy about the fact that I do online date… but figured, it’s not something to be too shy about. Gradually, got more and more ok with admitting that I do.

  8. ROTFL!! Thanks for sharing these, they’re hilarious!! “if you wann meet me” Ahah, he can’t even spell worth a damn! 😀 I get funny stories from my best friend who’s online dating, but then again the guys he met offline aren’t any better either. Hang in there Jaina, one day your Prince will come. Eeeek sorry, I’ve become so cheesy now, these guys are rubbing off on me!

    1. I think I’ve learnt that online and offline dating aren’t all that dissimilar. You still get some right weirdos!

      Hehe, stay cheesy Ruth!

  9. This has me giggling. One of my mates met the love of her life through online dating. Hang on in there – there may be a gem hiding among all those coals.

  10. I just got the exact same message you got from the flatterer – word for word. I, too, was cynical, so I googled this Irish poem, and you were the first hit. I just deleted his message and had a quiet chuckle.

  11. Hahaha. Cruel? Maybe. Hilarious? YES!

    I know that others have made similar remarks, but I just can’t believe the terrible grammar that those guys are using. I don’t know if I could do it… I would be turning down people for incorrectly using “their” and “they’re”, “it’s” and “its”, etc. But I guess I am too much of a grammar nazi, hah. 😀

    Looking forward to a part two!

    1. More people need to be grammar Nazis! Those ones you highlighted are some of my pet hates and the ones people everywhere get wrong.

      I swear, if they can complete a whole message without a spelling or grammar mistake, I am impressed! I’ve had to lower my expectations 😉

      Part two eh? I’m sure I can manage that!

  12. Someone said to runaway, how funny is that! I guess it is hard to make the 1st connection, but some of these emails sound like spam. I would just be myself. Anyways, good luck!

    1. Definitely hard to differentiate the spammers from the normals, when nobody’s really themselves.

      I shall take that luck, need all the luck I can get!

  13. Hi Jaina,

    I wanted to let you know that I am on a dating website and I received the exact (almost word for word) message from your Flatterer! I googled the line because I am Irish and couldn’t think where the poetry was from and found your site!

    Busted!

    1. Jesepenny, you’re the second, or possibly third, person to comment/email and let me know this. Wow… this guy is totally busted!

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