Tales from an online dater

Life

Back in February I came clean about my online dating secret. The dirty little secret that’s becoming more and more acceptable these days.

Yes, I’m still online dating. Sadly, I’ve sunk back to one particular site which hasn’t given me much luck (so god knows why I’m back there), but it has given me a fair amount of amusement. I just wanted to share some of the funniest first messages I’ve got from some guys off of that site.

(Am I being an incredibly mean by making fun of these guys? Probably. But they’re just so damn funny. I mean really, do they think these are good words to open with?! Guys – they are not!)

The flatterer

‘She turned my head not once, but twice…’
Those lines from an old Irish poem flashed through my mind as I looked at your pictures. Tell you what? If I met you on the street, I’d definitely stop to do a double take (yes, you are that beautiful)! I would consider it a privilege to get to know you. May I make your acquaintance please?

Am I too cynical to believe it? Probably. But honestly, it’s just so bloody cheesy!

The Interrogater

Are you girlfriend material? I am not so sure…
Get back to me…I have some questions.

You have some questions? Get back to you? Wow… demanding much!

The Over Enthusiasts

hi
i like to meet you
i live near to you
if you wann meet me
reply

Woah, woah woah! Hold on there, you want to meet me? Yeah, you’re a little over eager for me.

The Novelist

Babes, you need to break this down to me in plain, layman’s english so I understand lucidly – why in my mother’s name are you even here on this site?!! I dont get it!! is it that you never go out from your house?!! because if you did, you wouldn’t be here, trust me. The only logical explaination must be that every man you’ve ever been around(excluding your father and brothers) must be suffering from serious visual impairment..Because if they saw a fraction of what I’m seeing on your profile- lets just say you’d never had needed to ever sign up on this site, ever!! dating sites for mortal not for divine creation like you! except you just trying to torment us men here by pretending to be available only for you to dash our elevated hopes..and you know that would be beyond mean babes! But, i dont sense no meanness in you..so it must mean you have walked amongst blind men most of your life without knowing it..you going to make spec savers loads of money soon.. trust me!

Firstly, you start off with Babes, that is never a good sign. Then you run on and on. I’m not sure if I should be slightly offended by what you’re saying either.

The Weirdo

\\run away with me……

What kind of person opens with that sort of sentence. Or string of words.

The Teacher

I don’t know why do they classify Indian as Asian in this country ..India is quiet a big and has its own identity ..

Thanks for that little fact. India is quite big and I’m very sure it does have its own identity. Regardless, why do you feel the need to tell me this in an opening message to me?

To be fair…

Ok, I know. It’s hard trying to figure out what exactly to say in a first message to a total stranger. But surely common sense would tell you not to even think about writing anything like this. Yes? Still, they offer me some amusement. And I could do with some of that.

(I know. I am a terrible person. I’m going to hell.)